What If?

 All of my life I have kept a part of myself hidden from even my closest friends. Probably the most important part of myself. Not exactly the prettiest view, but a view into what makes me... Me.

 We are taught at an early age "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone". I'm not disputing that THAT isn't how things work, but that maybe we don't always need someone to laugh with us, but, to cry with us as well, and maybe, just maybe, mourn with us too. If only to see the defeat that brought about the victories that we present proudly today.

Ahhh, Ella Wheeler Wilcox.. Another fellow sojourner in this world. It's OK to be sad, fucked up, broken,lonely, hurt,and crazy.. As long as you never let anyone see it! Who exactly made this rule?
As long as everything appears beautiful, positive, and perfect then, and only then, is it acceptable to show.

 After 47 years of life I've found that life is neither all good, or all bad, but rather, it is the combination of the two halves that make us who we are, and where we are, at this exact minute.

Winners sometimes lose, fighters sometimes get the hell beaten out of them, and perfect people were once very humanly, flawed. And yet, no one shows the steps leading them to where they stand today. Why? Because no one likes to see, or hear of it.  There are at least ten posts a day on my facebook news feed calling these honest souls (who bare it all) to "get over it", "take it somewhere else", or simply "no cares, please DON'T share!"

 I log in to Facebook and I'm faced with the question, right up front, and I have to choose to lie, or to tell the truth. "what's on your mind?" stares me down until I think up something funny, or, beautiful enough to say that represents the acceptable and spit-shined, polished to perfection ... Me!

Some days, I. just. can't. do. it!

When I'm not up to lying, I skip Facebook and the hard question altogether. I hate lying.

 I think of that old cliche "if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all"... It seems we've been programmed from the start to never speak of the messy, and less desirable things, of our lives with no one. But isn't it the messes that we've cleaned up, and lived through, that gave us the greatest lessons? Isn't that where are greatest victories are from? The lessons that made us grow into this wonderfully beautiful spectrum   rainbow of shimmering colors that we show the world? The heartaches, the pain, the tears, that were paid in full to present?

 I see that some people are better at lying than most of us. These Pollyanna types ( that most of the world secretly hates) because the icky sweet they show off, is sickening! They call it "being positive" .. I call it being crazier than I could ever hope to be. When you think they can't possibly get worse then they focus in on you and do the unthinkable as they spout out advice that even the most pious, and most supreme being, could NEVER follow. And if you question it, you are just seeking attention or wanting sympathy.

And what's so bad about accepting or wanting sympathy when you hurt or when you are too sad to think? Do we really need a cheering section all the time? Show me to the mourners! I want to cry with like minded individuals! I need to wallow in the pain of being ignored by those that I love, and hurt by someone who was to never hurt suppose to hurt me. I need to share my shitty day with somebody!

If extreme honesty makes you uncomfortable, and if seeing someone fail, makes you cringe... then you might want to skip my blog altogether. I am changing the direction of my blog. My changes may include my most undesirable view of life, as well as the beautiful view... the two halves complete and documented.

Are you up to laughing with me AND crying with me? Are you?